So I am feeling really anxious about seeing my shrink today and so I figured I should probably write so I can look at how I feel more analytically. I am anxious because I don't know how she is going to react and how I am going to react. I am being detached but she might get to me. I have managed to internalize everything over the past week but it has only been a week. She spent months getting past that and right now I feel like I am still vulnerable. I also don't know how much I want to tell her the truth. Like technically if you look only at how I am doing externally things are soo much better. I appear happier, I am getting more stuff done, I am functioning, I am less upset, etc. I am acting like a normal college student which I guess is the goal. Actually I am trying to act more like the overachieving student, but same idea. The thing is, I am somehow doubting that she will simply accept that I am better. With all we have talked it is completely illogical to believe that I can completely turn around in a week. I guess I am also worried about the whole anger and upset thing. I have realized that they are not rational emotions but it does take a lot ot control them. I have been in pretty much control the past few days and can easily smile and say that I am completley over it but I know internally there is a part of me that can't get over it. I am choosing the logical and rational set of actions right now which is easier and in my mind makes more sense but there is some conflict from how I emotinally feel. Like just a week ago I was upset almost every night and crying and wanting to destroy myself etc and now I have choosen that I am not allowed to have any of those emotions anymore. I have a lot higher level of control over my emotions than most people but I can't completely turn them off. I gues I am more of curious on how she will react and worried about how I will react. I feel like I need to plan more to feel more comfortable with the situation. I know when I go in I will outwardly be more happy. Oh, I had to meet with the doctor last night to check on my meds. I guess that is an interesting first instance of my reactions. I can in and I was fine. I was just sitting and smiling and everything. He asked how things were going and I said that it depended and explained how I had internalized etc. Like I was talking ot him but I wasn't perosnally attached to any of it. I pretty much just chose to see it mostly with amusement. He said that he was sorry that my shrink was leaving and knows how hard it has been and I simply told him that I was over it. Don't think he believed me and right now feel that it was kinda a stupid thing to say but whatever. I guess I have returned to the calm, happy, social person. I can say what is going but but they are stories and I simply tell them as though it would be interesting to the person I am talking to. That is how I usually am when telling people about my past which is always intersting because they freak out and I am just kinda smiling and completely ok. With my shrink she kinda managed to get past that and we actually had serious conversations. Like I was mentally and emotionally vulnerable to some extent. She managed to reach the internal part of me that is pretty much in constant turmoil. I guess right now I feel conflicted because there is still that part of me that desperately wants to connect with her. The part that doesn't want to let go of our relationship. The part of me that has been angry and upset the past few weeks. I look at it rationally though and that is no an appropriate way to act. I was being angry and defiant and basically making it hard for her to do anything. As she said, I was tieing her hands behind her back. That wasn't helpful for me or her. I am not sure how much internalizing is helpful for me but it would be a lot easier on her. She wouldn't have to worry so much. She won't have the frustration of my defiance. She can leave and feel like things are ok and that she accomplished something. I want her to leave with a good feeling, not a bad one. I guess for the present moment internalizing is helpful for me to. Basically completely separating my thoughts was a way I developed to function and be the perosn that people expected me to be instead of the mess up teenager. I realize that in the long term it is probably a bad idea because it is basically going backwards. I am basically choosing to ignore all of her work and go back to the way I was before. I know that I probably won't see anymore shrinks which is probably the bad part. At least I won't with the way I am presently thinking. I have made myself unreachable again. People can talk to me and I will give them plenty of information about my life and make them think that they know all of this crap when in reality they know nothing. I am being unreachable and they can't get to the inner conflict. I guess if I make my mess internal then no one can help me because they can't see it. I guess my plan for today is to go in and be happy and tell her about the fact that I am a lot better. If she doesn't question it I won't bring it up. I guess it depends on how much she believes it. It doesn't make sense that I could make this much of a change in such a short time but she really really wants me to be ok. I have found that when people desperately want something to happen and are told it did, they will not question pretty much out of their desire for it to be true. I guess if she does question it we can discuss it. I discussed with the doctor last night without any problems. If she doesn't question it then we can sit and talk about pointless things. We can tlak about my research and my frustration with that and my class, summer, etc. Things that provide environment stress but really don't effect me that much. I think I can manage either one. I know that I will feel more frustrated afterwards if she remain oblivious but in a way that is what I want. Logically that would be easiest for her. I know it will bother me but the intent of doing all of this is to make it easier for her. I will have to accept that just as I am choosing that internalizing is the best way to handle my current situation. I guess I feel calmer now because I have more of an expectation of how things will play out based on how she reacts. There is always the chance that it could go completely differently but having some sort of plan helps. I will try to write later tonight though I haven't felt very motivated to write lately.

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